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On Emotional Breakdowns And Feeling Sorry For Myself

January 9, 2012

It has been a while since I’ve had time, made time, to sit and write out my thoughts on here. I dread even logging in because there is a list of drafts I started, but haven’t finished, demanding my attention.

Moving is a hellacious process. I’ve cried more times in the last month than I feel comfortable admitting. I have battled intense feelings of inadequacy, failure, disappointment, depression and exhaustion. I barely have enough energy to drag myself out of bed in the morning, let alone to take on the mile-long to-do list.

I’m tired of watching everyone else tumble into happy relationships. I’m REALLY tired of watching it happen to the terrible fucking people I know. I’m to the point where I am itching to isolate myself from everyone because I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. Sex means nothing. Affection is a lie. Every relationship and person I’ve poured myself into over the last three years, and longer, has been a fucking waste.

I started my year crying in the arms of someone I got far too attached to. I was crying because I was once again at the point of desperation, wanting, needing so badly for someone I’d given my heart to to return the favor. But, as usual, my type is chronically unavailable. I’m fucking gloriously pathetic, expecting these males to want more than my body. HAH.

I’m itching to get back to work so I can lose myself in it. At least there I’m wanted, needed. At least there I’m in control.

I miss being on antidepressants in moments like these because nothing would be preferable to feeling so damn shitty all the time.

I got told that at my age, I’m not allowed to give up, to quit, to tell the truth that I really don’t believe there’s a happily ever after for everyone. I’m rather proud of myself for not lashing out at the person who said it, though it was quite tempting. I don’t believe I’m going to find someone for me, I really don’t. You can tell me I’m being defeatist, but after all I’ve been through, I don’t really have the heart to keep trying. It just hurts too damn much anymore. Every time I get vulnerable, I get broken. I just can’t…I’m tired of opening up and not being wanted.

I’m cracking under the weight of trying to provide for my family. I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying to handle everything. I feel like I’m on the verge of shutting down. And no one can save me from myself…

Bleh, bleh, bleh, whine, whine, whine. I’m going to stop woe-ing at the internet now. Not like anyone is going or wants to read me whining anyways.

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One Comment
  1. Tim permalink

    I read them, each and every one

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