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On Disappointment

June 15, 2013

There’s nothing quite as hard to deal with, being a born pleaser, as disappointing the people who have expectations of you. It’s like a knife to the core. The failure is personal and overwhelming.

Disappointment is the greatest rejection. What you are and what you’ve done isn’t good enough, no matter how hard you’ve tried. It’s like a sickness; once it gets a foothold, it infects and destroys everything.

I can’t argue anymore when I disappoint people. “I’m trying…so hard” feels empty to say. I hate crying. Fuck that shit. I avoid letting anyone see me when I do. Yet, when my mentor sat me down to discuss why I am failing at my job, I couldn’t stop. Fuck you, tear ducts. Damn traitors.

Nothing he had to say surprised me. I know I’ve been slipping. Life is just so fucking hard these days. Getting out of bed is overwhelming. How the hell am I supposed to make all these people happy when all I want to do is hide under the covers until everything isn’t piled up and impossible to catch up on.

Disappointment in relationships is even worse. They turn away; don’t want to touch you. When you need touch to survive, it’s like dying. Time to wall off; make sure no one sees how the rejection hurts. Don’t let anyone get close enough that the feels try to come out.

I’m failing. I know I’m failing. Do you always have to remind me? I’m sick and they don’t know why; losing functionality in my body so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if they came back and said I’m dying. I have lists everywhere of all the things I need to do. I can’t get anything done. It’s so hard. I’m so tried.

I’m broken, okay? Stop trying to save me. You’ll just get frustrated and leave like everyone else does. My hero days are over. That girl died and the shadow that’s left is lucky she manages to get her pants on right in the morning.

Disappointment – has great potential; never quite good enough.

Until Next Time,


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  1. I don’t know if you are willing to look into this stuff, energy healing, but if you are I think that I will really help you. Here is a link to a lady that cuts cords: a lot of people of have been raped and abused feel tremendous relief with have their cords are cut to those people who did that to them. Another extremely important energy healing service that you should definitely check out is soul retrieval. Here is a link to a shaman that I really like: Her site is really weird so it won’t let me direct link to the soul retrieval page. I am going to copy and paste the description of what soul retrieval does right here for your convenience: Shamanic Healing and Soul Retrieval offer effective and lasting healing in one session for the following:
    Lack of passion
    Grief and trauma
    Feeling like you don’t belong
    Unresolved issues

    Shamanic Healing and Soul Retrieval also support:
    Feeling secure in who you are
    Living in your power
    Speaking your truth
    Finding your passion and soul purpose
    Gentle and accelerated healing

    SHAMANIC HEALING AND SOUL RETRIEVAL can assist in attaining life goals, restoring health, releasing old behavioral patterns and emotional and psychic pain. It can help to relieve symptoms of anxiety, depression, fatigue and stress.

    Many of my clients find shamanic work immensely helpful in gaining clarity about issues such as career, relationship and their soul purpose or life lesson. Shamanic healing can be used to address the spiritual aspect of illness- be it physical, emotional or mental. It can increase the effectiveness of other forms of healing, including regular medical and psychological treatment.

    Shamanic healing works with your essence energy, which can be described as your soul or your spiritual self. It encompasses the intangible aspects of your being, including gifts, qualities, and aspects of who you are. When the physical body dies, this soul or essence continues.

    In creating a healing opportunity, it is useful to do healing work on the soul or essence level first. The soul or essence is the blueprint that tells the other levels of your being (your life force energy, your mind, your emotions and your body) how to be. It informs the universe and world around you what type of relationships and experiences to manifest. Shamanic healing and soul retrieval are very effective tools for working on this level.

    Clients who come with a deep commitment to their personal healing and a willingness to change and grow often experience our work together as life changing. After a healing session, clients often find it harder to swallow their truth or accept situations where they are not being honored, regardless of the economic or emotional advantages of that situation. Please make sure you are open to life changes before you consider making an appointment with me. The work I do on the essence level is very gentle, but it can have a tremendous impact on your life. Because this work takes place outside space and time, it is possible to perform shamanic work from a distance. All sessions are recorded.

    Shamanic Healing and Soul Retrieval

    Life’s traumas, dramatic or subtle, can cause portions of one’s vital life force to become separated, creating dramatic imbalances in our lives. Symptoms such as depression, fatigue, memory gaps or general dis-ease can receive profound healing through soul retrieval. When performing soul retrieval, I journey into the shamanic world and retrieve these separated soul parts and return them to my client. Soul retrieval is one of my favorite healing techniques and one of the most powerful. One session is generally enough to address all past experiences of soul loss and can leave the recipient with unprecedented levels of vitality and wholeness.

    In a shamanic healing and soul retrieval session, I start with a Power Animal Discovery to identify and connect my client with two power animals. Power animals are spirit guides in animal form that provide a connection to primal life forces, protecting and guiding us in the physical and spiritual world. Discovering and forming a relationship with your power animal may alleviate conditions such as lack of energy, tendency towards mishaps, or feelings of vulnerability. Likewise, a relationship with your power animal can provide support and guidance through major life transitions.

    Next I look at the overview of my client’s soul or essence and consult with the guides about anything that is out of alignment besides soul loss. Often the guides have me heal contracts, past life wounds, or realign the energy field. Many times a Star Being comes to join the person. If there has been childhood or past trauma, I go back to those events and work to release the energy in shamanic reality to remove the energetic anchor of that painful experience. I also do extraction work as needed, removing spiritual and energetic intrusions. Then I do the soul retrieval work, bringing back the pieces that my client has lost. Finally, I consult with my guides for information about whatever specific issues my client has mentioned- relationship, career, money, soul purpose, etc.

    Sessions vary since whatever work I do is directed by the guides. My sessions are designed to provide a profound healing that is completed in one session.

    Because the work is occurring on the soul level, how this experience translates to the conscious human level varies from person to person. It’s not unusual for these sessions to be described as life changing. Sometimes, the results are very subtle, increasing strength and wholeness. The session takes about an hour to and hour and a half.

    Prior to your session, please read my article on Soul Retrieval. where she has a newsletter for this month posted there. It is worth checking out because

    Cost: $125 / Here is a link to her Facebook where she has a newsletter. This months newsletter has a big sale on her healings. For this month the soul retrieval healings are 100 dollars. Please check this stuff out. I feel so sad for you that your life is going this way for you right now. I wish you the best. I hope everything gets better.

    • Please don’t take this as rude, but I’m going to start flipping tables over the number of people who think spiritual crap is going to magically fix my depression.

      This is about brain chemicals. Not woo. Not my soul. If it was something that was so simply fixed by prayer, a ritual or a religion, do people honestly think those of us with mental health issues wouldn’t have tried it already?

      • I am really sorry that I offered unsolicited advice. By no means did I mean it as do this and it will fix all your problems. Though I do believe that it would help relieve your level of personal suffering. Please don’t speak for all people that have mental health issues. You are not the only person who has them. My depression severely decreased because of these methods. Also, I was able to heal from a lot of sexual trauma with the aid of these techniques. Many people who who have depression and have gone through many traumatic things have found great relief with energy healing techniques. Obviously you are not open to this. But you haven’t tried them so you really can’t judge them. I reached out to you because I was sad for you and all of the pain that you are going through- not to offer some magical solution or to undermine your pain and experience of personal suffering. I know what it feels like to have everything fall apart. I saw the same thing in you. That’s why I responded to your post. I did it out of genuine concern and caring. I wish you the best.

      • You assume a lot about what I have and haven’t tried. I’m super glad it worked for you. But woo and faith don’t fix brain chemicals.

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